the whole another world

第一眼看到这个项链吊坠时感动得无语形容。
世界上果然还是有这样伟大的设计师活着的。

一天下来，从早上听到这个消息，到现在听着这首歌，昏昏沉沉飘了一整天，现在才沉到了底。平静地。


那些根本无所谓根本不知道他是谁的人在那里借题发挥了一整天，在听到夜间新闻中主播说“迈克 杰克逊的演艺之路正好应和了中国的改革开放。”，猛地关了电视机，终于被气哭了。

什么也不想说了。

目前为止关于这件事唯一一个我能接受的说法是，He's been suffering, maybe it's better this way.
我宁愿去相信他是真正地永远地rest in peace.

关于他的人生，谁有资格去点评？
每次想提他的事到最后只能作罢，为什么？因为对不懂的人讲是对MJ的侮辱，对懂的人讲完全是浪费时间。所以最后只能一个人下跪……（不行了，听着man in the mirror)

Michael, I'm so sorry for each pain you've been through.
So, so sorry...
I couldn't believe that human being can be so powerful and beautiful until I got to know just a little about you.

You are the king of Pop to the world, you are "not ok" in some people's eyes and you're the god to many others. But you know what? I really hate to give a definition to someone like you.

YOU taught the world the true sense of beauty. I can't imagine how many people on earth have been inspired by your performance and personality. And those people are going to carry the spirit and love to the next generation. I guess that's something you would be happy to hear.

Just want to say l love you. Wish you rest in peace.
Thank you so much for everything.

这是第二次mental break down, 也是有生以来最强烈的一次。

我摔了门躲进自己的房间里咬紧牙关忍住不要哭出声音但是越是压抑，内心的情绪越是不可收拾。

大约痛哭了近一个小时，听着音乐之声里的"I have confidence“的现在才渐渐平静下来。

爸爸一直在问我出什么事了，只是被无关紧要的人说说而已，为什么要这么伤心。我自己似乎是明白怎么回事，只是一时整理不出头绪，只是哭。该发泄的发泄完了，现在我想是时候找出问题并战胜它了。

我几乎崩溃地哭，是因为在已经在承受巨大压力的前提下遭到周围人完全不知所谓地批判。爸爸说为了这点小事就哭以后出国难处有得多可怎么办，但这是不一样的，这完全是不一样的！再难的功课和工作我都不怕，这个毅力，了解我的人都知道。我受不了的是对我世界观的攻击，他们藐视一切你觉得珍贵的东西，并将你嗤之以鼻的东西摔在你脸上告诉你它的重要。我受不了他们如此践踏我的信仰，没有委屈没有恐惧，就是受不了。

他们说我不现实，说我完美主义，这些我完全承认，并没有觉得有何不对。没有碰到过挫折的人凭什么现实，努力的人凭什么不能追求完美。难道在还没找到自己的时候就找了个莫名其妙的男人，低着头莫名其妙地过了一辈子，就是所谓的踏实的，现实的，安全的人生了么？在我眼里没有比这样的人生更恐怖的事情了，最恐怖的恐怖片也没有这样的人生恐怖。

有一个人对我嚷到，50万的学费谁给你出？！我说我自己会还清，他说用什么还，我说用一辈子还。他说那你回来干嘛，你应该升官高就……（又不对了……）我不是为了钱为了地位才选这条路的，这是我唯一想做的事情，我会不惜一切代价去做。换句话说如果不做这件事情，我的人生就失去了意义，再好的物质生活也是苟且偷生。get busy dying, dying, dying. 你不理解可以，因为你的人生就是忙着死，你受不了人家忙着活，但是你凭什么来侵犯我的信仰。我果然还是不够坚强，所以失去了控制。

另一个人说我现在的年纪是人生最珍贵的时候，（这点我同意）但是他说我扔在出国读这么”抽象“的专业上是巨大的浪费。我说正因为现在最珍贵所以我才要尽快走，我已经浪费不得了。怎么会有人认为交男朋友不是最浪费时间事情？还有什么事情比相亲更浪费时间？我宁可去孤儿院擦玻璃窗……

即使现在还是眼泪不停地掉下来，在这所谓的现实面前，我果然还是哭，但是我不会低头，我会哭着往你们全部唾弃的路上走，不对，是哭着奔跑……

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!